Wednesday, 6 May 2020

Up Day (Shock, Horror, Probe!)

So far this blog has been rather downbeat. But today I wanted to record a slightly different day. I mentioned before that I normally only have three types of day: bad, very bad and suicidal. Well today was different; I actually had a good day. It didn't start well though. I woke up about 5.30 am and was beset by the usual terrors of a new day. I couldn't settle my mind and adopted various contorted positions in bed in order to resettle. Nothing seemed to work. Then suddenly I just remember thinking that the pain should go and miraculously it left me. ( I remembered something from Eckhart Tolle about how you drop pain - like a hot brick.) I dozed happily for an hour - which is unheard of. I even got out of bed at seven with something approximating a spring and didn't feel as dizzy as usual. I kept focusing on the pain departing and tried to see how long I could keep it out for.

Photo by me

I managed to keep it out during my dog walk over the park and on my journey to work. Fortunately, it was a busy day at the garden centre. Despite still being closed for the Coronavirus - the centre was buzzing. We had the guys who do the landscaping in to mow the grass - the carpenters were working on the new till area, the carpet man returned to do a doormat and we had some guys came to dismantle one of our old conservatories  -  all observing social distancing of course. The company had also introduced a new click and collect service and we started to get orders. I was buzzing back and forth on the forklift - bringing down compost for customers or garden chairs from the containers for the shop. I even phoned two customers to check their orders and to give them a time for collection. Obviously the thoughts returned periodically and I wrestled with the normal dizziness but I can honestly say that there were times today when I forgot that I was ill. It was amazing to just be doing something without the background voice of doom. I suppose this is what mindfulness is in many ways; just the absorption in a task. It doesn't have to be cultural or 'significant' work - anything will do. Chop that wood and carry water. The sun was shining, which helped, and there was the normal banter between me and the garden centre guys.

Today may have been a one-off - who knows. Tomorrow I may sink back under the blanket - but it is important for me to record this good day. If nothing else, it shows that it is possible. In the weeks ahead it may help me to remember it when I'm under the cosh again. And if I can't remember it - I can click back on this blog and re-read and realise that it did happen.


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