When I'm under the cosh, which is most of the time, it can be hard to get through the next minute. I know this sounds a bit melodramatic - but only those who've experienced acute depression/anxiety will really understand. It's an intensely desperate feeling: a mixture of panic, despair and numbness - all rolled together. There is literally no relief from it. No distraction can dispel it. No pleasant thought will pierce it. It feels like a tightness in the chest; a hurricane in the skull - a claustrophobic, impossible unease. When I feel like this there is no comfort to be had from any chair. I stand up, I sit down, I pace around. And the worst thing of all is that there is no end in sight. I know that tomorrow will be the same as today (or worse). I sometimes resort to prayer. I have lived like this for five years now. Most major depressions last 6 months to 1 year. I know that the only relief will be when I go to bed at night. But then I know I will wake up tomorrow morning and the whole dreadful ordeal will start again. I try to stay strong for Nicki and the girls. But how much suffering can one person endure?
I pray that William Styron's experience is correct: 'Mysterious in its coming, mysterious in its going, the affliction runs its course and one finds peace.'